Boundaries - Why Theyre Needed
April 30, 2007
Imagine a child who lacks ownership of his own life, has noself-control, and lacks respect for others. If these were the qualities ofyour son, how would you feel for his future wives? Yes, wives is plural, this is one major reason we need to set boundariesfor our children their future. One study showed that children bornrecently on average will have more spouses than kids. Here are a fewexamples of children who lack boundaries: 1. Little Johnny walks right into his parent’s bedroom whenever he wants.It does not matter if the door was open or closed.2. Twelve year-old Steve frequently changes the channel on the television.It does not matter if anyone was watching a show or not.3. Susie blames others for her mistakes. It always seems to be herteacher’s fault, brother’s fault, or a friend’s fault when something doesnot go right.4. Marie is uncomfortable with how her boyfriend treats her and pressuresher for sex. She keeps dating him because she questions who else would wantto date her.Without boundaries children will have problems in relationships, school, andlife. Many times addictive behavior can be traced to lack of boundaries.Here are a few results that can occur:1. Children can have controlling behavior2. Children can be motivated by guilt or anger.3. Without firm boundaries children are more likely to follow their peergroup. For example, making unwise choices on sex, drinking, or driving.4. Children do not own their own behavior or consequences, which can lead toa life of turmoil.5. Children may allow others to think for them.6. They may allow someone else to define what his or her abilities will be.This denies their maximum potential.7. When someone has weak boundaries they pick up other’s feelings.8. Weak boundaries may make it hard to tell where we end and another personbegins. What is a parent to do? Many times we hinder our children from developingboundaries. Realize we must teach our children boundaries; they are notborn with them. Here are a few suggestions to help develop boundaries.1. Recognize and respect the child’s boundaries. For example, knock ontheir closed bedroom door instead of just walking in.2. Set our own boundaries and have consequences for crossing them.3. Avoid controlling the child.4. Give two choices; this helps our children learn decision-making skills.5. When you recognize that boundaries need to be set. Do it clearly, do itwithout anger, and use as few words as possible.6. We need to say what hurts us and what feels good.7. It may be difficult to set a boundary. You may feel afraid, ashamed, ornervous, that’s okay, do it any ways.Another way to work with boundaries and children is to model these for ourchildren.1. Recognize your physical boundaries.2. You have the right to request proper treatment, for example, poorlyprepared meals in a restaurant should be sent back, ask others to smoke awayfrom your space, and ask that loud music be turned down.3. Share your opinions with your children. Allow your children theiropinions. Opinions are not right or wrong. This will help them think forthemselves. 4. Teach them how you decide on the choices you make.5. Lets own what we do and what we don’t do. Take responsibility for whenthings go wrong.6. Accept your thoughts, it is who you are.7. Discover what your limits are, emotional and physical.Setting boundaries is all about taking care of ourselves. This is the firstguideline we teach in our workshops. Other benefits include:1. We will learn to value, trust, and listen to ourselves.2. Boundaries are also the key to having a loving relationship.3. Boundaries will help us with our personal growth.4. We will learn to listen to ourselves (trusting our intuition). We also will learn to respect and care for others and ourselves.5. Boundaries will aid us in the workplace.Boundaries are all about freedom and recognizing when these freedoms have been crossed. Boundaries give us a framework in which to negotiate life events. Recognizing and acting when our boundaries have been crossed will protect our freedom. Boundaries lead to winning relationships for bothparties. By building foundations based on mutual trust, love, and respect we can expect our children to grow up more tolerant and with a mature character. Simply put, boundaries simplify life.
If your child is being bullied - 20 top tips for parents
April 30, 2007
Keith is now in the fourth grade and he dislikes school. For a fourthgrader, this does not sound right. The reason Keith dislikes school thoughdoes not have anything to do with academics. Keith is being bullied beforeschool, at school, and on the school bus. Who can blame him for not wantingto go into that environment? The basic definition of bullying is when someone keeps doing or sayingthings to have power over another person. Bullying involves crossing intoone’s space without permission. Isn’t bullying just something that happens to all children and we’re justmaking a fuss over this? The children will get over it, right? Shouldn’t wetell Keith to grow up and handle it? Wrong. Bullying happens to far too many children and adults shouldn’t be ignoring it. WHAT CAN A PARENT DO? If Keith is being bullied and he is not reporting it to his parents thenthere are some very important questions to address.ˇ Why wouldn’t he tell his parents?ˇ What message have Keith’s parents sent to him about bullies?ˇ Does Keith’s parents have a history of dismissing what he says?ˇ Possibly Keith’s parents have had a habit of getting too involved insolving his problems. Tips for parents:ˇ Encourage your child to report any bullying incidents to you.ˇ Validate your child’s feelings. It is normal for your child to feelhurt, sad, and angry.ˇ Ask your child how he/she has tried to stop the bullying. Askingquestions is a wonderful way to have your child do the thinking.ˇ Ask how is he/she going to solve this. We want the child to do thethinking before we jump in. See how many options he can come up with.ˇ Coach your child in alternatives. Ideally the best solution is having your child solve this without anyone interfering. Most of the time unfortunately, this isn’t possible. Share these strategies: avoidance is often an excellentstrategy, playing in a different place, play a different game, stay near asupervisor, look for new friends, join social activities outside of school.ˇ Talk with your child’s teacher. Make sure they are aware of what isgoing on.ˇ Encourage your child to seek help from other school personnel.ˇ Volunteer to help supervise activities at school.ˇ Do not ignore your child’s reports. Ignoring them sends the wrongmessage.ˇ Do not confront the bully or the bullies’ family.ˇ Teach your child how to defend him or herself.ˇ Teach self-respect.ˇ Give numerous positive comments to your child.ˇ Avoid labeling or name-calling.ˇ Let your child know it is okay to express their anger. There arepositive and negative ways to express anger, we want to teach and model thepositive ways.ˇ Let your children stand up to you now and then. It makes it morelikely they will stand up to a bully.ˇ Stress the importance of body language.ˇ Teach your child to use ‘I’ statements.ˇ Teach positive self-talk.ˇ Teach how to use humor, ‘out crazy’ them. For example, if the bullysays to Keith, “Hey, boy you’re ugly.” Keith can respond in a coupledifferent ways:”Thanks for sharing”"Yes, I know, I always have been”"Yes, today’s lunch was disgusting” then walk away. There is many other aspects of bullying to look at: Why your child is the victim, whypeople bully, what you child can do if he/she is bullied, signs your child is beingbullied, what the schools should be doing, handling the school bus issues. Allof these are addressed in The Shameful Epidemic, How to protect your child from bullies and school violence.Visit www.stoppingschoolviolence.com to learn what is possible. There are solutions.
Summer Survival
April 29, 2007
Summer Survival
The summer season is here and along with it comes summer vacation for the school-aged kids. Moms are now responsible for coming up with the ideas and curriculum for their children and I am the first to admit that by the summer my creative juices have just about run out. How can you make summer another time of fun and enjoyment rather than boredom? And just how do you do this on a budget? There are lots of great things that you can do this summer and ways to keep organized when doing it. Here are a few of Mom Advice’s suggestions for summer survival:
Mini-Vacations
Graduation Announcement- Some tips for the graduate
April 28, 2007
Graduation Announcement- Some tips for the graduate
by: Dawn Rowlett
If you are graduating, it is a busy time. There are lots of loose ends that must be tied up around campus. Finals and term papers are taking up a lot of your time. But now is the time to put out a graduation announcement to proclaim your accomplishment and share it with friends and family.
Addressing the envelopes and announcements can be difficult for a beginner. On the outside of the envelope the address should be written formally. Use the full title such as Mr. or Mrs. and the full name of the recipient. Inside the announcement can be less formal. If you are sending the graduation announcement to a close family member, use their family name such as Grandma or Uncle Tom.
Knowing when to send the announcement is an important issue. The graduation announcements should be sent 1 to 2 weeks before the graduation date. This will allow time for people and family members to make plans to attend. It will also give people plenty of time to call and congratulate or send a card.
Assertiveness: Key to Better Parenting
April 27, 2007
I have always been aware of my number one weakness: non-assertiveness. But I have come a long way from the time when I couldn’t say ‘no’ to a child molester and not understanding the importance of telling my parents.
At my first job after high school, I had the misfortune of working for someone who told me that I could have it all but with no questions asked. He said so clearly that there were women who slept their way up and I could do the same. He then started to hold me tightly and was already groping all over. I was too stunned to move in the beginning but I did try to push him away. Luckily for me, a security guard walked into the office.
Some guardian angels must be looking out for me. On both incidents, I could have been a statistic. I didn’t have the courage to tell anyone but I made a promise to myself that if I should ever climb the corporate ladder, I would do it with my brains.
Unfortunately, my parents didn’t have the extra money to put me through four years of university. I worked as a tutor to three kids throughout my tertiary years and with a scholarship loan, I managed to finish my degree in journalism with a second class upper.
I took on the first job that came my way: as a seminar organizer. Again the same old pattern emerged. For six months my boss didn’t contribute to my retirement account. I was not aware that it was unlawful. Then she made me answer calls from all the speakers I had invited to give seminars for payments due to them. She had purposely delayed paying them for reasons only known to her. I couldn’t see a good future with her, so I quit.
Many of my course mates had joined the newspaper and there was an opening for a cub reporter. I got in and was learning the ropes pretty well at the news desk. Six months later, I was transferred to the features desk.
It was all rosy in the first year and because I was getting familiarized with the work and all, I gladly took on anything that came my way. Not such a smart move really. Whenever my editor asked for a volunteer for some uninteresting articles, no one would do it. And because I had set the pattern for being the obliging one, or rather the one who couldn’t say ‘no’ most of the time, I had to do the assignments. I had never asked for extension of deadlines and I was also the “secretary” who took phone messages for the others. When the time came for assessment and salary increments, I was not the favoured staff. After two agonizing weeks, I finally plucked up enough courage to speak to my editor about it. She merely said: “I was happy with your work. All I did was to recommend (the increments) but really, it was up to the management to decide!”
Would you stay on with a leader who wouldn’t stick up for you? I asked for a transfer to the business desk where its editor was a known task master but fair and just.
Six years later, I found myself in a greater challenge. My five-year old daughter was a victim of a class bully at her kindergarten. From the many books on bullying that I read about, I had gathered that so long as the victims were not coached to be assertive and helped to build their self-esteem, the chances of them remaining victims continued into adulthood.
Since then, I have been trying to help my daughter increase her self-esteem. One of the many ways I learnt is to teach a child to love herself. Well, we are still working on her remembering to say: “I love you Mummy. And I love myself too.”
I knew repeating this mantra would only help for awhile. One evening driving through a heavy traffic I made up a story to entertain my kids. It was about a six-year old girl named Lulu who would do anything for her friends because she wanted to be liked by them. Lulu didn’t like herself much because she didn’t think her kind-heartedness amounted much. “Now, if you were Lulu, do you suppose your friends would like you if you didn’t like yourself in the first place?” I asked my children.
I was surprised even my two and half year old boy simultaneously replied no with his sister.
The story continued with Lulu being asked to pick some fruits from a tree by her friends. As she was climbing up the tree, fiery red ants bit her all over. But because she feared rejection from the others if she quit, she carried on. When she started to yank a bunch of fruits from a branch, she inadvertently dropped a beehive onto the ground.
The story ended with Lulu being hospitalized for bee stings but she learnt an unforgettable lesson about self-love and being assertive.
Now whenever my daughter needs a reminder about self-love, all I need to mention is Lulu.
Mobiles For Babies Can Prevent Sudden Infant Death Syndrome
April 26, 2007
Mobiles are well known for its effectiveness in capturing and keeping baby’s attention. Colorful and moving mobiles will stimulate the baby’s brain and encourages him to explore the things around him. Mobiles with lullaby tunes are even better. With mobiles, you can stop worrying about an uncooperative baby when changing diapers or a wailing baby before he goes to sleep.
Besides the above reasons for having a mobile on your baby’s cot, the most important usage of a mobile comes from the American Academy of Pediatrics. The academy has released a statement to urge all mothers to place their babies to sleep on their backs to reduce the risk of sudden infant death syndrome (SIDS). Since then, the SIDS rate has decreased by more than 30%. If you are worried about flat heads, just rotate the position of the mobile around the baby’s cot. The babies will turn their heads towards the mobile and thus giving the same amount of pressure to different part of his head. Simple yet useful. Choose a mobile that fits the theme of your baby’s room and make sure the mobile looks nice from your baby’s view (meaning from bottom looking up towards the mobile)!
Book Review: How to Get Your Child to Love Reading
April 25, 2007
How to Get Your Child to Love Reading was conceived when author Esmé Raji Codell was staring at a shriveled potato that was sprouting eyes. She wondered, ” . . . if I had a potato, nothing but a potato, how could I teach a classroom full of children? Well, I could cut a potato in half. (I can use the paring knife from my own kitchen, right?) We could review fractions. With one half, I could cut a design and do potato prints. We could plant the eyes from the other half of the potato (it can have eyes, right?) and grow more potatoes, charting their growth.” The ideas cascade: writing a story about a potato, making a book of potato recipes or potato poems, making potato stamps of all the letters, teaching reading, getting books from the library about potatoes, talking about the Irish potato famine, writing letters to executives about potato chips or Mr. Potato Head.
The preceding excerpt illustrates the boundless creativity of Esmé Raji Codell. On this first page she establishes the metaphor that recurs throughout How to Get Your Child to Love Reading: “Children’s literature is our national potato.” It is the seed that, through its many shoots, can help our children become caring, educated citizens.
Vision: 20/20 Is Not Enough!
April 25, 2007
Now is an excellent time to have your child’s vision checked. Don’t be too quick to say, “My child’s vision is fine: 20/20!” In many cases that is not enough.
The Snellen chart, the instrument most frequently used to test eyesight, often gives people a false sense of security about their vision. It measures only acuity — and that at a distance of 20 feet. How much does your child read at that distance?
The National Center for Health Statistics estimates that about 25 percent of children enter school with vision problems that can impede their school progress. Almost 50 percent of children with learning difficulties have vision problems, and up to 94 percent of children with reading problems have reduced visual skills.
Why does the Snellen chart leave some of these problems undetected? Vision involves much more than the sharpness of an image. It involves focusing — and refocusing as attention shifts between far and near (as when copying from the board). It involves binocularity, the two eyes working together to capture accurate pictures of our world and of the printed page. Vision also involves perception, the brain’s interpretation of the images taken in by the eyes.
For School Success, Dont Coddle Your Kids
April 24, 2007
Parents want their children to succeed in school. However, sometimes their best intentions are misguided. Attempts to provide children with a wonderful life can, in fact, increase the stress of the entire family.
One of parents’ most common mistakes is to want to make everything easy for their children. It’s painful for parents to see their children struggle. If children never do anything difficult, however, they never learn that they can successfully meet a challenge.
Here are some things parents can do to promote their children’s success in school:
? Make school attendance a family priority. Try to schedule doctors’ appointments and family vacations when school is not in session. Have your child arrive at school in time to organize for the day.
? Show your child that you consider school to be important. Attend parent meetings and conferences. Talk with your child about school. Don’t overemphasize grades.
? Read to and with your child. Let your child also see you reading alone.
? Either rule out or treat physical difficulties, such as vision problems, hearing problems, or attention deficit, that may impede learning.
Nail Biting Basics
April 23, 2007
Nail biting in all its various forms is problematic behavior beset by peculiarity and contradiction. Technically speaking, the correct word for nail biting is ANONYCHOPHAGIA.
Nail biting typically begins between the ages of five and 10 and is common among children as well as adults. As many as one in three Americans bite their nails.
One of the more noteworthy and generally surprising things about nail biting is its high instance. It crosses every social and economic barrier. Prevalence figures for children are much higher than for adults.
Results of nail biting can result in short, ragged nails. It may also lead to damaged cuticles as well as bleeding around the edges of the nails. Infections can also develop if nails are not properly attended to.
Most relevant studies have found that nail biting tends to peak out around puberty.
A study by Malon and Massmer studied the behavior in the Chicago school systems and reported that nail biting is prevalent in about 60 percent of children age eight to eleven.
Most people agree it is a learned habit, perhaps picked up by watching a parent or someone else biting their nails.
